Life After Divorce

In Collaborative Practice, we recognize that families begin the process of separation or divorce long before professionals are consulted, and that the impact of the process continues beyond the end of legal proceedings. Most people who experience the pain of separation or divorce will work through stages of grief and loss throughout the process, and on deeper levels after the legal process is ended. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief and loss have been identified as:

• Denial. The initial stage, in which it is hard to believe that the marriage may be ending.
• Bargaining. Often the next stage, in which different solutions are tried to renew the marriage, often with therapeutic support. The marriage may still be able to be renewed at this stage.
• Sadness/Limited Energy. At this stage, one or both partners have concluded the marriage cannot be saved and start to confront real issues of grief and loss. In addition to contemplating loss of a marriage partner, couples grieve lost hopes and dreams for the family and the relationship.
• Resignation. Couples may understand that the marriage will be ending at this stage, even though they do not yet see a successful future for themselves after the end of the process.
• Active acceptance. By the time this stage is reached, hope for the future is being built. Couples start to envision a life after the end of a divorce process in which all family members can thrive, find joy in life, and succeed in the future.

In Collaborative Practice, coaches help you navigate these stages and articulate them to your partner and your Collaborative team.

Beyond the divorce process itself, you have decision opportunities that will determine the shape your life after the divorce. A proactive approach to post-divorce living will keep you focused in the right direction, perhaps drawing lessons from the past but pointed squarely toward the future.

As you begin to write the first paragraph of your new life, you should intentionally plan to do the following:

• Grieve appropriately. Whether or not the divorce was your idea, losing a marriage partner is hard. Be sure to acknowledge your sadness, which is likely to come and go at unpredictable times. There is no right way to feel, just be accepting of yourself as feelings come and go. Don’t be afraid to seek out extra support from family, friends, or a therapist, or by trying things like journaling, meditation or yoga.
• Realize that working through the stages of grief and loss may not be an orderly process. From time to time, you may find yourself needing to fall back to a prior stage, to feel sad or let yourself be comfortable in simply having less energy. This is normal and may be healthy.
• Maintain important relationships. Your relationship with your ex is not the only one that will go through changes. The friends you have or had in common will likely go through their own process of navigating this new reality. Reach out, but be patient as the “new normal” settles in. Make sure that the people who are really important to you know that that’s the case.
• Be open to new people and experiences. This is the best time of your life to become a “joiner.” Take that class you always thought about taking. Start that book club. Volunteer with a local nonprofit or get involved at church. Take a trip! The most important thing is to take charge of moving your life forward, rather than passively waiting and hoping for things to get better. The power of positive thinking is good; the power of positive action is better!
• Learn what you don’t know. If you were not the person in your marriage who took care of finances, taxes, banking, retirement, et cetera, connect yourself with someone who can help you understand and become confident with these issues. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your Collaborative team, as well as friends and family. Information is the best antidote to fear.
• Create a roadmap. This can and should start during the Collaborative process. After you’ve had some success with the other items on the list, do some intentional reflecting about where you want your life to go from here. Where do you want to live? What kind of work do you want to do? Will it take extra education to get there? What larger causes do you want to devote your time to? What are you willing to do to get there? Start to articulate these ideas as soon as possible, and share them with your Collaborative team, family and friends.

Identifying goals and the steps it will take to achieve them will redirect your energy into a positive and confident outlook on your life. Your divorce doesn’t have to define you; you have your entire future to do that for yourself.